And I impulsively quit yesterday.
I quit Instagram yesterday, Sunday September 1st 2025. I realized that it was my cigarette. After an argument with my boyfriend about showing my body online and me responding with “this is my creative expression, this is what I have been doing since my teenage years, I use my body as art and to create art and this is the reason I became a burlesque performer 15 years ago - to express my sexuality in a beautiful and creative way, it is my testing ground, my exploration, my journey, a way to push boundaries, my slice of freedom”.
This argument came about after I viewed and commented on a story of a woman on instagram who had been enamored with me for months. She never shows her face and if it does, it is concealed and often of her back in provocative poses and usually wearing leather. This time she was spread on her bed, legs open, cuffed, wearing very little lingerie with her face partially concealed and asking if her “close friend” viewers wanted more of this content of her.
I said to my boyfriend how I wished to show more of my body online as I observed previously that my photos or account had often been reported or shut down when they were more risqué. I could not get past the fact that I felt targeted for my art, my body, my creativity, my freedom of expression and beauty. For many years I had a very complicated relationship with beauty and sexuality. It was something I continued to do though it was taboo, I loved it. Doing the taboo for me was pushing boundaries, conveying that this too is beautiful, not shameful and is art. No matter what, these types of comments kept coming but mostly came from men I was romantically involved in.
For years, I had men tell me their discomfort about a woman displaying her sexuality and how wrong it is for a woman’s body to be accessible to the world and it should be for his gaze only. Today, at 43 years of age and with a boyfriend who is 55, I heard the same thing. You would think after all this time (as well as a divorce) that I would learn? No, I did not learn and I am still confused and perplexed why this continues to be an issue.
Yesterday it hit differently when we had this argument. I was tired and depressed of constantly explaining myself. He said he would prefer that I show my nude body on reddit with my face concealed but not on Instagram for all to see. I proceeded to explain that I planned to approach it in an artful way - wait, stop. This is when I decided to really stop. I couldn’t explain myself any longer after he asked me why his validation was not enough and why I needed it from others. He asked if I am making art for myself then why am I not ok to make art and not share it?
This very question was poignant and hit a nail straight into my head! I could not answer why I share my art. What really was the reason? Was I seeking validation from others?
The backstory is that Instagram had been sadly a big looming cloud and question mark in my life for some time. Yes, I am an obsessive creative and yes I may overshare sometimes but I somehow found solace in putting my art and my self out “there”, wherever “there” was in the social media world.
It got to a point where the validation began to consume my thoughts - was my creativity and me even good? I began to dwell on the little to no likes and began dissecting who was watching and liking my stories. Why did they like one story when another was not liked and why were they watching my stories and never liking my posts?
It was becoming ridiculous and I began to measure myself in this way. It was unhealthy and today things came to a full STOP.
When I realized that Instagram was just another cigarette, a stop gap that satiated me for the moment but tormented me psychologically. I recognized that I did not have a healthy relationship with it so as I did back in July 2021 when I had my last cigarette, I quit. Cold turkey. I am an extremist and only extreme measures can be done to finally ignite change and transformation.
For some time now I have been feeling a massive slow surge of change coming on. I do not know what that is but I do know that I had to finally look within.
So here I am on this platform I had been struggling to use for months, overthinking and dreaming of ways to cultivate and curate myself but today my eyes open, my heart sank and activated I am going to write what comes to my spirit, messy, untethered and all. I finally feel that I have arrived at that place, to explore my truth and turn within.
It is feeling a bit free.
I can abolish addictive behaviours.
This is when I officially entered the substack state of mind.
