who says I am limited to being human?
I am a Mermaid.
For a brief moment in time.
It was pure magic.
Two Saturday’s ago I was eagerly anticipating an underwater mermaid photoshoot with photographer Andrea Hunter during an hour long car ride to Burlington where the shoot was to take place in an outdoor residential backyard pool. I began experimenting with underwater modelling back in March when my then x-boyfriend and I decided to make amends and give another go ahead of our confusing and complex relationship. We opted to eradicate the confusing and complicated part though and quickly bonded over a new creative photography project when we got back together.
Last year March he purchased an existing boudoir photography business and studio in Bradford, Ontario where we had gone on numerous occasions to explore the studio with myself modelling in a twist to boudoir in a Sapphira quirky style while my boyfriend played behind the camera (I have not told you that I do alternative modeling as a result of my background in burlesque? This is a story for another time). Seeing that he is a passionate scuba diver and hobby underwater photographer it made sense to take expression to the underworld. I have always had an affinity and deep connection to water - could this be a result of being a Pisces? Maybe. As you can see, it was a match made in heaven to explore underwater expression and beauty with my Love. Such (and much more) was the precursor to this exciting time of becoming an underwater mermaid for an hour!
I was feeling particularly edgy during the car ride to the shoot when I declared to my boyfriend it had always been a dream of mine to be a mermaid! They are so majestical and otherworldly and often I feel like I want to be out of this world too! I expressed my desire of doing future mermaid stints from time to time as part of my creative life repertoire and my boyfriend looked at me and told me to focus on one thing. My body boiled in anger as I blurted out that I am a plethora of things! I have one life to live and I want to fulfill all my passions! Why not?! Why are there rules on what and who to be and how many of me I could limit? Was there a limit to human personas and expression?! A limit to what and how we create? I tried to breathe through it all cause it felt like a stale oppressive cloud that choked me - I left my marriage for this!!! I cried aloud and said I was not going down the path of restraint again. I want to be free!
We arrived at the shoot location and as I waited for the previous mermaid model to complete her session, I still felt upset inside. That all went away though when I spotted the mermaid tail! She was a thing of aqua-pink fish scale beauty that was going to be edited to black and red in photoshop! I knew I wanted to express myself as a dark shadow mermaid as I had been in particularly dark and stormy times this summer and my recent obsession with the colour black prevailed, as always. I excitedly pulled on the wet tail over my black bikini and hopped into the water. I confidently proclaimed that I did not need breathing lessons for underwater posing as I had been practicing and experimenting with the boyfriend for some months now. The tail was awkward and gave a feeling of entrapment, I embraced it anyway.
Andrea and her photography assistant placed a black fabric backdrop in the deep end with weights to keep in place which added to that “dark shadow mermaid” vibe. It was time to submerge and WERK! How do I be a sexy, dark, fierce and ethereal mermaid while figuring out how to hold my breath, not sink too far down, while remembering to stick my boobs out with my head slightly back and relaxed lips? You don’t how, you don’t think, you just do, you let your body take over once you enter the depths of the underworld.
On the third submerge I immediately dislocated my left shoulder. After a few more submerges I tried to twist and pose underwater and my shoulder dislocated again and locked into place this time. I immediately swam to the surface and let out a scream. I often dislocate my shoulders as I suffer from hypermobile joint disease but this does not make the pain any less each time. It was agony - the physical pain matched the mental anguish of me trying to fit myself into a box once again. I could never figure out this elusive box. What was this concept of being acceptable anyway? Since childhood, I never knew what this meant.
They say the spiritual symbology of a dislocated shoulder means to be out of alignment with yourself. When I think back to all of the occurrences (which were many) where my shoulder slipped out of place, I wondered if I had been doing something during my life at the time which was out of alignment. I was met with revelation.
What dawned on me during my last dislocation as a mermaid is that I am still searching for total alignment. I continue to live in separate and contained boxes that are hidden from some and exposed to others with caution. Until the time I can safely escape these boxes, at least for a moment in time I felt free to be completely me.
I too, can be a Mermaid.
