Can one truly lead a disjointed Life?
I lose myself when I perform.
to feel otherworldly.
(I wrote this unfinished piece about three weeks before my Sister was murdered in October 2025, 8 months fast-forward to today - July 2026, I can finally say that I learned some big lessons and life transformations along the way that this almost seems…. irrelevant because it is not a question any more to live a fragmented life now, after so many built-up life tragedies, I can finally see clearly)
Every time I think of my many fragmentations I get welled up with emotion inside. I am 43 years old and after a lifetime of fighting to be me in a world that expects you to blend in and comply with the masses, not much has changed. In my first substack story “Oddity Girl Space”, I illustrated this very experience I endured that manifested in bullying at the age of 12. It was a devastating experience that stayed with me and carved out the trajectory of my life for many years to come. I had learned at an early age the repercussions of trying to fit in and it was terrifying.
The journey of putting the fragments together has been a long one of understanding myself. For all the years I battled inside, little did I know I had been masking my autistic self the entire time and spent years trying to prove that my brain could do things others did. I managed well but it did not come easy and was at the price of putting in 10x the work that my peers seemed to put in. I learned at an early age that my opposing interests and masking made me completely fragmented as a human. I am sure many can exist within the realm of fragments and differing interests in contained neatly in silos but I realized I could not exist in pieces as fragments because they were to me a puzzle to be solved and put together to form a unified whole.
I wanted unity and harmony within myself and it became an intense pursuit of discovery.
As a child I often existed in my dreams and fantasies and would spend my free time drawing, writing pseudo fictional/auto biographical stories and performing for ghost audiences. Often concocting grand stories of make-believe, it was time to return home.
is self-expression?
essential.
